How To Pick Up A Birder
"Hey, is that an ibis in your scope, or are you just happy to see me?"Well, here's an interesting question that came through the BirdChick Email from a new birder who I met on my travels this fall. She asks:
"Being both single and new to the birding community with a renewed commitment to take advantage of the birding opportunities in my area, I was wondering if there is any "birder" behavior I should be on the lookout for. They say the best place to meet someone is doing the things you enjoy, though it hasn't worked for me so far, but you never know when the right guy might trip over me.
I know different groups of society have quirks in their verbal and body language when showing interest in a member of the opposite sex, i.e. when the IT guy was showing me all the cool features on my work computer and no one else in the office, he was doing the best his geeky little heart could to flirt with me; for really shy guys, just speaking to a girl is flirting; macho guys break stuff; military/law enforcement blow stuff up etc. as a way of showing off for the "female bird" and getting her attention. So, are there any identified exhibitions to look for in the male birder? Do they brag about their equipment (no, I don't mean it that way!), or their life bird list? Do they point out lots of birds to you, showing their ornithological prowess? Or do they just walk around with their eyes hooked to binoculars and noses in field guides?"
I don't feel qualified to answer this question. I have never dated a birder--ever. (I even dated a guy with a bird phobia, but never a birder). I know the signs from men in general to know when they're attracted but nothing specific to birders. This is a question that does come up in one form or another about 4 - 6 times a year in my inbox, so fellow birders, can we help this single birder out? I should mention that she's a younger birder, this isn't necessarily an older person but I'm sure all single birders out there could benefit from the answer.
How do you know when a birder is flirting with you?
posted by birdchick at 9:43 AM
32 Comments:
OK, have to get this out of my system: by the traditional courtship display dance (standing stock still with his eyes to a scope) and breeding plumage (vest with too many pockets)!
Seriously, it might be best to judge the level of flirting by how the birder interacts with you compared to other people. Is he spending more time helping you with tricky IDs? Do his eyes drift your way when he's explaining the subtle beauty of the female's coloring?
The same range of friendly, shy, awkward and overconfident personalities would apply as in any other group of men. It's the behavioral nuances that are the clue.
As a birder of the male persuasion (albeit a married one), and one that could be placed in the youngest 1/3 of birders (the under 40 crowd), I feel like I might have something to contribute.
First of all, I have to admit that when I was a young, single birder I rarely, if ever, encountered a similar female of the species. They were, quite literally, my ultimate nemesis species. Now, the first thing your friend should recognize is that the plumage of male birders changes as they mature. While it is true that the elder males of the group tend to display multipocketed vests to compliment their array of optical equipment (usually at least one pair of very expensive binoculars and a scope), the juveniles and sub-adults tend toward more modest plumage (t-shirts, ballcaps and dirty jeans, for example). The optics displayed by these members of the group tend to be less flashy, but on occasion may include a single, highly prized (thus prominently displayed) piece of optical equipment. This tends to be the exception, rather than the rule, however, as most younger birders haven't had enough time to accumulate an adequate nest-egg to acquire a pair of Swarovskis.
Now, as far as particular behaviors to watch out for, I would recommend not to pay attention to the loudest individuals in a given flock. These members of the group are vocal (and obnoxious) regardless of whether or not a suitable female is present. Rather, youngish, single male birders tend to display affection for females they perceive as receptive through proximity rather than bravado. If a young, unattached (or attached, if the male is particularly non-observant) female finds that a male is spending an inordinate amount of time "hovering" nearby, that may be an indication that he is attempting to display his intentions.
Another behavior to watch for could be described as "courtship feeding". Often, a male birder will attempt to attract a female by offering and sharing a particularly juicy spotting. What transpires can be very similar to the behavior observed in kestral pairs. The male observes a particularly interesting species and decides that the female may be interested. Rather than announcing it for the entire group, he may discreetly offer the sighting with a call and a fluttering little dance to attract the attention of the female of interest. The female follows the male, and they perch side by side, alternating between glassing the bird and bowing their heads several times to review a field guide before the female accepts the offering with a smile and a thank you. Once the male is satisfied that his offering has had the desired effect on his chosen female, he feels comfortable announcing his sighting the rest of the group. He also will often redouble his efforts to acquire even more sightings to share with the female.
LOL at this post and comments. I will come back with additions when I find time. For now, I will just add that I am a 20 yr old birder of the male persuasion. The 20 something birders are extremely rare in KS and I have never seen a female of the species.
Jeff, don't lose hope! While unpaired, young female birders are exceedingly rare, secretive and elusive, chasing one can become the twitch of a lifetime!
When I first met the woman that has since become my wife, there were a few things I can remember consciously doing. It started out with things that were still group social to make sure that I wasn't making her uncomfortable, but then also trying to get some alone time as well.
1. offering to have her carpool with me for local club trips
2. sharing optics - making sure she always got good looks through the scope.
3. Helping with spotting & id's
4. Paying particular attention when she spotted something (she was quiet, and often others didn't hear when she made a comment or spotted something)
5. Offering to take her to birding spots that maybe she hadn't visited. (We tried to see as many owls in one day as possible.)
With more alone time, I looked to see what else we had in common. I recall avoiding discussing too much about my life list, places I'd been or birds that I'd seen, but instead asked her about places that she'd been, etc.
If he invites you to go birding someplace together, I'd bet that he is interested in more than just going birding!
Wow! This is useful stuff!
So if I'm reading this right, young single female birders sound like a species of special concern and hard to find!
If I'm reading these correctly, the hot dog birder trying to impress with every bird id is not the best way to tell a male birder is flirting. The best ones are the ones who hover nearby, making sure the young lady in question is getting a good look at the bird and then inviting her on side trips.
Interesting...
Maybe its time the Birder Dating Service was set up!!!!
Peregrine: So you're saying there should be a "birdHarmony.com"?
Sharon: Great post (and comments)! Unfortunately, I've got nothing constructive to add, being a fairly new birder and quite happily married to a (so far) non-birder.
The cool thing about male birders is that they are about as varied as the rest of the population, except they all have a thing for birds. Thought I would summarize a few field experiences (full disclosure: am married to non-birder):
Confident/Cocky birder guy: tends to not listen to you but likes the attention. Makes birding seem even more exciting, if that's possible. May or may not have steady employment, addiction problems.
Head to Toe Geek: can be quite charming, often has cool side interests like Sci-Fi. Can probably handle annoying computer issues as long as it's PC and not Mac. The less-well dressed are actually preferable, watch out for the ones decked out in head-to-foot ABA gear.
Reserved amateur long-term birder with a life: let's be honest, these are your best bet for dating. While not in the top 100 superstar category, they probably enjoy a fine dinner and maybe even cook or read or something. Usually like to travel. Let's also be honest, they are probably older than you are and are already married.
Quiet solo birder type: my favorite, tends to even have other interests, less likely to try and bowl you over on first sighting. Usually has a quirk or two that might be a deal breaker for you.
Oh, I could go on...
There are so many birders married to non birders. I wonder if I should do a post on "how to survive being in a long term relationship with a birder" post?
I will say that I have heard stories and I am not sure I could ever be with a hardcore birder. I know a man who tells the story of being in the middle of...shall we say "lekking activity" and he got a message on his machine that a boreal owl had been spotted nearby. Not having that on his list, he abruptly stopped the lekking and went out for the bird. I think that could be used to define how hardcore of a birder you are. Would you stop "lekking" for a rare bird?
I think I shall forever be an intermediate birder.
I met my wife while out birding! It was at Turtle Mound near Cape Canaveral in Florida. My dad and I had traveled all the way from england to bird florida for 3 weeks. I never imagined I'd meet Julie and fall in love. We have been happily married for almost 4 years and have a beautiful 9 month old bably girl. If I hadn't met Julie I'd probably still be single. Most of the girls I dated in england thought birding was for weirdoes. That well may be but I'm very happy with my birding weirdo! I enjoy reading your blog and good luck I'm sure there is someone out there for you. Having said that being single gets you out of cleaning...but that's another story!
cheers
Andy
www.surfbirds.com/blog/phantom
LOL!! "Is that an Ibis in your scope or are you just happy to see me"?!?! That's funny!
Seriously though, I don't have any advice for single birders as Michelle and I grew into the hobby/obsession together.
I'm sure if we all think hard enough, we can come up with some really good puns, though.
As part of the under 40 (just barely) crowd, I can count on one hand the number of young, single, female birders I've seen in 20 years of birding. They are rare enough to be added to the IUCN Red List.
While this is distressing for a guy who finds himself single, I managed to find a silver lining. My dating prospects will likely get better as I get closer to the age group comprised of widows who make up the largest portion of the female membership of the local birding clubs. I have used my contacts to get references to daughters and granddaughters from said widows but none have been birders. That trait was not passed down.
This is a fun post! Love the comments! LOL
I met my fiance before we both found out that we in fact enjoyed birding. It is great to have someone you love by your side, getting excited when finding new birds and fighting a bit over who gets to id it... usually the one who gets home faster and grabs the guide wins... he's always faster than me :(
(We have the VERY fat 'Birds of Peru', a bit hard to carry on, but fascinating)
Very amusing comments.
Does that birder dating site still exist, Sharon? Didn't it appear a couple years ago? The name escapes me...
LOL! I forgot about that site, they actually paid for some advertising. Here it is:
http://www.birdwatcherbuddy.com/
At first I couldn't remember what their name was and so I googled birdwatcher and dating, then found a profile of a MN birder who's looking for a date.
Interesting. In my neck of the woods, it's the male of the species which is more scarce. Lots of wise older birders are around, though. :-)
A bird bander is flirting with you when he uses a leg gauge on your ring finger. Wait, maybe that's beyond flirting... Perhaps one starts with talk of brood patches and protuberances. No, that's still too far along. Maybe just talking about alternate plumages. Yeah, that's it!
There is quite a famous Birder in UK who having just got married was on way to reception when in came a call about a bird. He disappeared and returned just in time for end of party!!!!
There needs to be a Canadian version of Birdwatcherbuddy! you can only sign up if you live in the US
From: Birdwatcher, The Life of Roger Tory Peterson.
An excerpt regarding Peterson's time as a summer camp counselor.
"At one point Peterson asked for and was granted permission to keep “some campers” out past ten o-clock at night to go “owling”. The exemption (to curfew) lasted until Buchheister discovered that Peterson always limited the expedition to a party of himself and comeliest lass in camp”.
Well...it worked for Roger. :)
This is a sensational thread. Sharon, you've got gold here.
I'll add that I got married before my diffuse love of nature transformed into avid aviphilia. But in my travels, I've found the alleged scarcity of attractive female birders to be dramatically overstated.
P. Ollig and Christopher sum it up pretty well. As they suggest, if there's birder quietly hanging around, looking to show you his sighting or best birding spots, and/or inordinately interested in even your most mundane birding stories, he's likely making the best offerings he knows how.
When I was still in WY and a single birder a new grad student showed up who was the first female birder I had met and she had a US list well over double my own, not to mention international lists. I found the courage I needed by offering excursions for rare local specialties she had not yet encountered. Our first significant time spent as just the two of us was an eventful trip to my favorite spot for American Three-toed Woodpecker where we found many. By offering and making these trips we got to spend the time together building a friendship and relationship in a setting more comfortable for us both than nice restaurants or the like. Much of our courtship was spent birding southern WY and on one occassion our relationship was likely saved by a successful outing for Northern Shrike (a species I will forever be indebted to).
Anyway, young birders finding other young birders of the opposite sex is possible, if difficult, and birding as courtship is fun, exciting, and full of potential. For us it has led to building our own nest with our first chick set to hatch in only one week.
This has been the best and funniest comment section in a long time! I LMAO at P. Ollig's comments, and loved the stories of birder-boys who met and married their birder-babes. However, a birder who would leave his mate during his wedding reception or "lekking" behavior to chase a bird deserves to be cuckolded, IMO.
Great post, Sharon!
~Kathi, who may just wear make-up and matching clothes on her next field trip
I would like to add to Peregrine's post regarding the famous birder. You masy not be surprised to hear that the marriage ended in divorce! My only problem with twitching rare birds is that my wife gets pissed if I go without her and then end up seeing the bird.
phantom birder
Hm. I'm a young, single, female birder - had no idea I was such a rarity! Ha ha.
I have noticed that the hardcore, twitcher types almost always tend to be guys, where as the women are a lot more laid-back (one of my male birder friends spent an entire weekend last road-tripping from Ohio to Niagara Falls in hopes of seeing a Ross's Gull, something I would never do).
The expeditions that bonded me with my mate were bicycling to birdy destinations. He was a latent birder, who needed a reason to get out to where birds are, to grow his interest.
Looking for hiking companions might work just as well, and even if he's only humoring your interest, at least he's the sort to get outside and cover the distance.
there are very few female birders in Britain or at least that was the situation when I lived there, so it is very refreshing for me to see so many over here. Twitching seems to be a more male orientated pastime here and in Britain. I get the impression, and it may not be an accurate one, that female birders are much more into the aesthetic nature of birds than the building a big list. I know of a few hardcore female listers but the majority of lady birders I meet aren't that bothered by their list. My wife fits into the latter category but she occassionally gets jealous if I see an exciting rarity without her.
What I founnd interesting is that I seldom met couples out birding in Britain where one half was a birder and the other wasn't, yet in the US I have met many half birder couples and the birder half tends to be female! I'd be amazed if I saw that in the UK. I even know a couple who recently went to the LRGV on a birding trip and the husband isn't that interested in birds. Now that's a committed relationship!
Andy
This post has been removed by the author.
From my personal experience, a good way to meet young female birders is grad school (although many of them seem to be paired). I met my girlfriend doing research for my thesis on golden-winged warblers. It was good because I got to know her really well, since we spent every day out in the field together!
This post and the comments cracked me up. Wonderful stuff.
Super post here Sharon, but of course, who could resist the title?
I am with the over fifty crowd and married so I have no great advise for those seeking to court another single birder. I must agree that if I were in the market, I would go the route of inviting my quarry to my special, secret birding spots and just have fun. Isn't that what really counts when it gets right down to making a good mating? Being comfortable enough with your mate to just have fun most of the time?
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