When NBB Attacks!

Hello all, NBB here. Shaz is back from two weeks of travel, her brain so full of birding that I've had to pull her off the ledge at least twice, her mouth stuffed with string, twigs, and animal fur. A typical Saturday night 'round here, then.

Sharon's asked me to blog for her—worried that you lot are feeling neglected. But since I've already written every single thing I know about birds during our last mutual incarceration, I'll write on a subject that I know a few things about: bad movies.

Ah, terrible, terrible films. I love 'em. The goofier the better, but there's also something to be said for a film that is certain it is making a grand statement about humanity, only to find that it is really, incredibly, embarassingly wrong.

NBB's List of Some Bad Movies That May Feature Birds

1. Ladyhawke. This one's kind of a fudge, as there's a decent film buried somewhere in there, underneath Matthew Broderick's spotty accent and uninventive cinematography. But the film is absolutely murdered by its horrible synthesized soundtrack.

"Dude! You know that movie you're making with the staggeringly beautiful Michelle Pfeiffer, and the raw manliness of Rutger Hauer? The tale of forbidden love and dark sorcery? That you've convinced a studio to spend millions of dollars on? How's about we save a few bucks by replacing an orchestra and an epic score and instead just hit the 'demo' button on my Casio? What could go wrong?"

The hawk, however, does a pretty good job, although I understand she regularly fought with the director over her motivation.

2. Barbarella. There are those who will tell you that Barbarella is a misunderstood film, a delightfully campy romp that's waiting to be rediscovered by each generation.

These people are alien invaders. Wait for your chance to strike and don't turn your back on them.

A sex farce with no sex and precious little farce, Barbarella is the film to watch if you've ever wondered what would happen if you took Sudafed and NyQuil at the same time. The... oh, I hesitate to call it a "plot," but I suppose that'll have to do—the "plot" reaches its most ridiculous when Barbarella is sentenced to be killed by a flock of killer budgies. No really, this happens. The poor birds flap around while Jane Fonda tries to act afraid. In fairness, it is pretty terrifying if you accept that a woman could be killed by a parakeet sitting on her and preening.

3. Night of the Lepus. Giant. Killer. Rabbits. Let that sink in for a moment. Another film where poor actors (including DeForest "Bones" Kelley!) have to stare out windows and act afraid of, yes, Giant Killer Rabbits, who run rampant in slo-mo over model train towns, with red dye occasionally sprayed on their lips to show how truly vicious they are.

The best (and by "best" I, of course, mean "worst") part is that after the first victims are found, a scientist is asked to figure out, based on the injuries, what attacked them. His first guess, he says, would be sabre-toothed tiger, but since that's impossible, he thinks it's Giant Killer Rabbits.

Okay, that's all you get for now. I'd like to say that it's because I'm going to pop in my Criterion Collection Blu-Ray of Citizen Kane, but I think we both know that I'm going to root around in my closet for a VHS of Giant. Killer. Rabbits.